With an involuntary movement of mine,
I stun myself.
Cover my face with both my hands and go dizzy.
For the movements,
– Shrugging both the shoulders with a mischievously innocent smile,
– Saying nope,
– Starting every sentence with a ‘ pata kya,’
Maybe these movements, these expressions make me understand,
– When I adopt them in my tender moments,
– What your tender moments were like.
Look, it ended,
As I predicted.
With me remembering your sweetness,
And you hating me!
When the pain of loneliness nibbles at me
When the melancholy of solitude nudges me by the elbow
And I’m afraid to turn around
To stare it full in the face
that I dream of you
I dream of you
How it would be like to have you by my side
– To feel the warmth of your presence
What it would be like to share all good and bad
– To know that someone loves you
What it would be like to be inspired and to inspire
– To lend a hand and be lent one
What it would be like to share my joy with you
– And to know you’re there when failure strike
What it would be like to laugh with you
What it would be like to cry with you
What it would be like to wake up in the morning to a cheerful face
– And to return home to a charming smile
What it would be like to share a glance of complete understanding
What it would be like to tread the road of life together
– Hand in hand, in step with each other
I dream of you
Of sharing a life
I still think about your smile
When the speck of a dimple formed on your cheek
And your lips spread to the corner of your face
Remember how I liked to kiss you at the corners of your lips at such times.
You seemed so beautiful, so childlike beautiful and your smile turned broader, the dimple deepening and then evaporating.
A fist squeezes my heart inside
and I die a little
That’s the feeling with which
I remember your smile.
The scenario has shifted,
The ambiance has changed,
And I am alone
The mist of solitude hanging on me
A subtle current runs through my heart
I remember you
I remember your smile
I remember your eyes
I remember your face
I remember your voice
I remember how you burst out laughing
I remember how you withdrew into a shell
I remember you
I miss you
Tonight, I was flipping through my poems
– Each one a cherished memory,
Reminder of a tender moment
And then I thought
If all of that has ended
That I’ve lost the ability to love like that
The ability to feel like that
And if it was the end
It was then that you shook me from my reverie
Asking an inane question and smiling that trademark smile of yours
Which never fails to evoke one from me
You – my beautiful daughter
And I looked deep into your eyes
And thought that perhaps there had been an end
But there had also been a new beginning.
I am not plain, you protested.
And the words remained with me.
The songs I played, the music I heard
The voices, the notes, the verses were all you
– echo of your voice
– facets of your being
And I had this overwhelming desire
To put pen to paper
And sketch you
To immortalize you
I drew the locks…the curls that you so harshly tie up at work.
I drew the smile which illuminates your face.
I drew the willowy tall frames.
But that is as far as I got
The words seeming so facetious.
I was disappointed
And wondered why I can’t play with words any longer.
And then the realizations dawned
And I smiled to myself
Because I remember
Am a silent lover.
A lover of silence.
You knock on my door
And tell me to follow you
It’s time, you say
Time to leave
I realize I need a few moments more
I want to see her at least once
To touch her and feel if she is real
I need to hear her laughter once more, see her smile light up the room once more.
I need to take her small hand in mine when she is sleeping…and thank God once more
I need to kiss my girl on the corner of her lips once more, to lie snug with her once more
I need to see how the tulip bulbs I planted in the fall come out this spring
And if the leaves of the trees will be prettier this fall
I need to visit countries, continents.
I need to see all this world has got to show me.
Oh, there is so much I need to do!
Can’t we wait a bit?
Come, let’s wait a bit.
A few moments more.
A few days more.
A few months more.
A few years more.